The art of simile
(Or: why is humor essential to writing and life)
Mr. Chandler is a genius of style. Certainly his language is not beautiful, nor does he have any of the poetic qualities of Shakespeare or Faulkner, but he is the unprecedented king of cool cynicism that is adorned by most ingenious, funny and entertaining similes that I have read so far. Those who know him need no further explanation, those who know him and don’t think that he is a genius have no taste, and for those who still haven’t read him I will provide a selection of favorite quotes from Farewell, My Lovely, in just a few lines. Before I do that, let me try and explain why humor is so essential to everything and why it is deadly to take oneself too serious, like Ms. Roy did in her unfortunate book.
One can laugh out loud at almost every page by Chandler, and he is not even trying. He is merely trying to tell another one of his detective’s (Philip Marlowe) adventures and to describe the world he moves in – the world and the atmosphere that will become known as hardboiled criminal genre or the noir genre, referring to films that arose from these books. The main character is the kind of guy that is awoken in the middle of the night by a phone call notifying him that his long-year partner has been shot on assignment, after which he lights a cigarette without a word, bathes, shaves, dresses in a three-piece suit with a tie and a hat, and arrives thus at the crime scene as cool as a summer breeze, an unavoidable cigarette dangling from the corner of his lips. The detectives in these novels and films approach every problem in life, from near-death situations to (unavoidable) romantic disasters, with similar amounts of excitement and enthusiasm. Not only are they cool, they are also sarcastic to the core and insanely funny, mocking and exposing the stupidity of human condition in every social structure and layer that they come in contact with. And I don’t think that anyone ever did this better than Chandler.
To explain the title of this paragraph – I intend to compare passages of Chandler’s similes with passages by Ms. Roy. I have chosen Arundhati Roy for the comparison because she is not a very good writer, but not only because of that. The God of Small Things, her only novel to date, published in 1997, received a million bucks in advance by Harper Collins in England. The book sold great and she received the Booker Prize at some point. I picked it up because I sought an answer to the question: how does a million-dollar novel look like? At first I was enthusiastic, and much so because of her descriptions and similes which are quite original, one has to admit, and I thought – wow, this is really good. However, I got as far as page seventy, and that was after fifty pages of hard work. I think of it now as pretentious and boring and of her writing as badly-tempoed, with many short, staccato sentences that are way to many to have any favorable effect of the overall impression. In every other paragraph she tries to offer a piece of worldly wisdom phrased as a refrigerator door magnet aphorism. And so I concluded – to earn a million bucks it is essential to study the aphorisms on housewives’ refrigerator doors. One should not be completely negative – Roy has a remarkable eye for details, and a nice ability to incorporate Little Things (the title of the novel is really appropriate) into the big story.
Here, I will quote one of her passages and compare it with Chandler because she tries to create original, novel descriptions. On page 20 she says:
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“She was eighty-three. Her eyes spread like butter behind her thick glasses.”
That is not so bad. It works – it is a good idea for a simile and it conveys the picture. What is bad, however, is the opening paragraph of the second chapter, found on page 35:
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“However, for practical purposes, in a hopelessly practical world… it was a skyblue day in December sixty-nine (the nineteen silent). It was the kind of time in the life of a family when something happens to nudge its hidden morality from its resting place and make it bubble to the surface and float for a while. In clear view. For everyone to see.”
Everything is bad in this paragraph. First – it has no meaning. She is trying to lock the naïve reader by imposing that she knows everything about ‘times where hidden morality floats,’ a concept that is not only immature, but also nonexistent. Maybe someone can explain to me what those moments in life might be, because I haven’t the faintest idea. ‘Hopelessly practical world’ is a phrase that a mature sixteen-year-old would consider childish, and the ellipsis that follows it is nothing but a disaster. In the same sentence, saying that ‘the nineteen is silent’ in December sixty-nine is a feeble attempt at appearing alternative and original, but is an unfortunate a waste of ink. The use of ‘skyblue’ to describe a day needs no comment, I think. Two short sentences that conclude the paragraph are her staccatos, which are fine, but not when used as often as she does it. Two pages after this particular catastrophe, there lies another total wreckage (p.37):
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“Estha had slanting, sleepy eyes and his new front teeth were still uneven on the ends. Rahel’s new teeth were waiting inside her gums, like words in a pen. It puzzled everybody that an eighteen-minute discrepancy could cause such a discrepancy in front-tooth timing.”
Who cares about what she says here? And ‘words in a pen…’ I knew several aforementioned teenage girls that were turned on by intellectual types and ‘profound’ talks about literature and philosophy (they were not the prettiest, needless to say) and who were perfectly able to coin a cheap phrase like that. Even at that time I found it unbearable, and the only reason I would remain in such a conversation is the utter lack of alternatives or, plainly put, desperation .
I could go on forever, but I won’t. What follows is a selection of some of the best parts from Farewell, My Lovely. I won’t comment on them, because it would be a sacrilege to do so. They are told in first person, the person being, of course – Philip Marlowe.
Page 241:
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“I walked around and tried to see if anybody walked behind me in any particular way. Then I sought out a restaurant that didn’t smell of frying grease and found one with a purple neon sign and a cocktail bar behind a reed curtain. A male cutie with henna’d hair drooped at a bungalow grand piano and tickled the keys lasciviously and sang Stairway to the Stars with half the steps missing. I gobbled a dry martini and hurried back through the reed curtain to the dining room. The eighty-five-cent dinner tasted like a discarded mail bag and was served to me by a waiter who looked as if he would slug me for quarter, cut my throat for six bits, and bury me at sea in a barrel of concrete for a dollar and half, plus sales tax.”
Page 48:
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“There was a cornflower in the lapel of his white coat and his pale blue eyes looked faded out by comparison. The violet scarf was loose enough to show that he wore no tie and that he had a thick, soft brown neck, like the neck of a strong woman. (…) His blond hair was arranged, by art or nature, in three precise blond ledges which reminded me of steps, so that I didn’t like them. I wouldn’t have liked them anyway. Apart from all of this he had the general appearance of a lad who would wear a white flannel suit with a violet scarf around his neck and a cornflower in his lapel.”
Page 41:
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“They had Rembrandt on the calendar that year, a rather smeary self-portrait due to imperfectly registered color plate. It showed him holding a smeared palette with a dirty thumb and wearing a tam-o’-shanter which wasn’t any too clean either. His other hand held a brush poised in the air, as if he might be going to do a little work after a while, if somebody made a down payment. His face was aging, saggy, full of disgust of life and the thickening effects of liquor. But it had a hard cheerfulness that I liked, and the eyes were as bright as drops of dew.”
Chandler does not try to be original – he is original. I’m positive that he lived more-or-less the way he wrote and that his own outlook on things was the same as his character’s. He did not sit down and come up w
ith endless sarcastic remarks that make me laugh so much. They were in his head every minute of the day – they were his own thoughts, his way of thinking.
What separates the two people discussed here is the absolute lack of humor on one side and constant desperate attempts at creating great, poetic, wise passages, and limitless sarcasm on the other side, sarcasm that probably made Chandler entirely unbearable as a person, a friend or, heaven forbid, a family member. But a price sometimes needs to be paid.
Chandler’s is probably not more than pulp literature – but it’s awesome. Roy’s is a waste of paper and I can only take solace in the fact that she hadn’t written since (she probably can’t) and that she had dedicated herself to being some kind of spokesperson for some cause of some sort.
Some kind of women’s rights movement or something.
Something like that (the full stop silent)